Wednesday, February 2, 2011

One Lifetime

One lifetime's not long enough. It's what I tell him now. I've thought much about what life would be without him. He's almost left me for heaven too many times.

There was a nasty bout with pancreatitis mid-twenties and a relapse a few weeks later that boomeranged us back to the ER and another hospitalization. Our mid-thirties uneathed a cancer diagnosis that ran wild amongst a wiley second grader and two pre-schoolers. It was a touch-and-go month of hospital beds I prayed would not be a deathbed. Never mind the actual treatment that half kills.

And in those eleventh hour vigils enveloped by the organic smell of infirmity and strangled fear, I planned. I thought of mortgage payments and college tuition, a late start career and single motherhood, and made a morbid plan.

How would I live without him? 

And my thoughts were pragmatic because the practical was urgent and I couldn't bear the sentimental. But he is more than his paycheck, his stern daddy voice, and horsey rides for a house full of three-feet-tall laughter.

And I think of these things now, while he's healthy and lingers longer with me. He winks when no one watches, and for a moment, although we're five, it's just he and I hanging by a glance in mid-air. I hear him breathe life's rhythm beside me, steady and quiet through the nights. He hugs from behind when I'm anchored to a sinkful of suds, and I feel his palm on my middle holding me strong. I am filled when he eats from my dishes and am heady with the smell of him is in my sheets.

These are the things that make me know two things for certain when two-become-one are finally parted by death.  I will be but half, and one lifetime will have not been near enough.


Recent thoughts on marriage that I'm voicing today with others at Walk With Him Wednesdays at A Holy Experience.

9 comments:

  1. Prayers for you...so hear your heart's cry.
    Our pastor's wife has been going through this also and it makes me see life as more precious and I hold it closer, still knowing that only He holds tomorrow.
    Blessings and Healing in Jesus name...so sorry!

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  2. Janette, Mike's been in remission for 7 years. These are not current struggles, but they did affect everything that's come since.

    God has been faithful to heal, and so very good to us.

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  3. oh, dawn! i pray that time will not come for a VERY
    long time! may your years together be as the grass
    in my lawn! . . . unending.

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  4. To have the eyes to see and the soul to relish the moments is such a precious gift. To not live in fear but enjoy and seek the blessings in the moment. What a treasure you are.

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  5. Tammy, you make me cry. I am always the fearful one. I have never seen it in this light. To God be the glory if it be true.

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  6. One of the most romantic, tender pieces of writing I've read in recent days. Thanks for writing it... for living it all the more. You two make a beautiful pair!

    peace~elaine

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  7. I came over from Ann’s today – takes a while to read all the posts :)

    I am so happy that you have a good man there – and he has you – “suitable counterparts” – that’s what the Hebrew means for “helpmate”. The same but different.

    “Two becoming one” – makes me sigh.

    Thank you.

    God Bless you and your hubs and your marriage

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  8. This is beautiful, Dawn -- what a testament to enduring love. I admit, I had a heart attack when I read Jeannette's comment above...I worried there had been a recurrence! So glad to see that's not true.

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  9. So sweet. and an inspiration to love harder and deeper.
    thank you.

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