Friday, September 3, 2010

Paradox

I've been so busy trying to keep pace with this hectic life, I find myself not recording it. I started blogging because I felt life was passing by me without it being savored. Important things were whizzing past along with the trivial. Sometimes the important is camouflaged as trivial until it is noticed and exposed for the profundity it was all along.

And yet, I don't want the documenting of things to keep me from living those things. Minutes. Hours. Days. They are important, both as small pieces and as the sum of the parts.

Three and a half moths. Tiny ticks in the cog of a globe that spins on the axis in orbit of the great fire-light, the gear that produces time and space. Three and a half months come and go, Baby V's brain tumor all but disappears, and Baby I breathes her first and her last. Simultaneous brain scans reveal both.

Families reel from the good turned bad and the bad become good. There is grief in the face of rejoicing and rejoicing in the face of grief. Those polar opposites are married in the body of Christ as the gear shifts unrelenting and cranks out yet another moment. It is heavy and light, but it is one.

How does one live a life that counts? What would today look like if it were my last? Would I throw caution to the wind and live with abandon? Dessert before supper from now on? Heck - dessert for supper! Or would I cling to my convictions and try harder to hunker down and do more of the right thing? The hard thing? Pray without ceasing, seek to do good to others, build myself up in my most holy faith? Good deeds piled high on the far end of the scale as the counter-balance of what exactly? Too many empty calories?

How do we rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep... at the same time? How do you live like you're dying?  Because we are, you know, living and dying...at the same time. So what's important in light of malignancies turned healings, and robust newborn life snuffed out all in the same tick of the clock?

Something in me needs to make sense of this. Something else needs not waste the tocks of the clock, for they march on. Live while there is living. Let God alone be God - but cling to Him. And my darkness and His light marry and become one. My questions are embraced with the Answer that He is. Yet they remain questions unanswered.  And I must be content in that He alone knows, and because He does, I need not. This life that I live I now live by faith. And by knowing I am not alone.

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